Date someone who is interested in you. I don’t mean someone who thinks you’re cute or funny. I mean someone who wants to know every insignificant detail about you. Someone who wants to read every word you write. Someone who wants hear every note of your favourite song, and watch every scene of your favourite movie. Someone wants to find every scar upon your body, and learn where each one came from. Someone who wants to know your favourite brand of toothpaste, and which quotes resonate deep inside your bones when you hear them. There is a difference between attraction and interest. Find the person who wants to learn every aspect of who you are.
I pose this question ’ once you know everything there is to know about someone and there is nothing to new to learn, no surprises no delightful little tidbits of info, funny quirky loveable traits to unearth’ what happens then?
It’s when you hide things that you choke on them.
I once knew a man who came on very strong at the beginning of relationships, but couldn’t seem to help closing his heart as soon as a woman had opened hers. I have heard that kind of behavior referred to as an “addiction to the attraction phase” in relationships. This man did not maliciously go around hurting women. He sincerely wanted to be in a genuine, committed relationship. What he lacked were the spiritual skills that would enable him to settle down in one place long enough to build anything solid with an equal partner.
As soon as he saw human faults and weaknesses in a woman, he would run. The narcissistic personality is looking for perfection, which is a way to make sure that love NEVER has a chance to blossom. The initial high can be so heady, so tantalizing, that the real work of growth which needs to follow the initial attraction phase can seem too dull, too hard to commit to. As soon as the other person is seen to be a real human being, the ego is repelled and wants to find somewhere else to play.
At the end of a relationship with someone like this, we feel as though we’ve taken cocaine. We had a fast and exciting ride, and it felt at the time like something meaningful was happening. Then we crashed and realized that nothing meaningful had happened at all. It was all made up. Now all we have is a headache, and we can see that this kind of thing isn’t good, isn’t healthy, and we don’t want to do it again.
But there’s a reason why we’re attracted to relationships such as this. We were drawn to the illusion of meaning. Sometimes someone who has nothing to offer in a real relationship can come on like they’re offering the world. They are so dissociated from their OWN feelings that they have become highly skilled performers,
unconsciously playing whatever part our fantasies prescribe. But the responsibility for our pain still remains OUR own. If we hadn’t been looking for a cheap thrill, we wouldn’t have been vulnerable to the lie.
How could we have been so stupid? That’s the question we always ask ourselves at the end of these experiences. But once we’d had enough of them, we admit to ourselves that we weren’t really stupid AT ALL. We suspected this was a drug.
The problem was, we wanted it. We saw exactly what the game was with this person, usually within the first fifteen minutes, yet we were so attracted to the high, we were willing to PRETEND we didn’t see it, for just a night, or a week, or however long it lasted. The fact that someone said to us, “You are so fabulous. You’re such a wonderful woman. This is such a great date. How lucky a guy is to get to date you,” when he’s only known you for an hour, is a blinking red light to any thinking woman.
The problem is, the depth of our wounds can be so great—we can be SO hungry to hear those words, because deep down we suspect that they’re untrue—that hearing them can cause us to put aside all rational consideration. When we’re starved, we’re desperate.▼
Wow…this is exactly what I’ve been trying to put together for the past 3 years!
Submissive Traits - Service
Submissives often possess a deep desire and capacity to serve. They crave direction and structure, not of a mindless sort, but rather of the kind that promotes service to their Dominant; that supports being pleasing. A Dominant’s rules, protocols and rewards should be designed to enable and encourage this desire to serve, thus providing fulfillment for all involved. But it is important to understand that the desire to serve the One chosen by a submissive does not imply that they are naturally service oriented in their rest of their lives. There is often a stark contrast between the submissive’s relationship with their Dominant versus that which they have with the rest of the world. It is part of what makes the D/s bond so unique and so special that a submissive will serve their Dominant in ways they would never consider doing with or for anyone else.
In my experience submissives can at times be dominant and even domineering in their vanilla lives, including in the home and workplace. It is not uncommon for these would be submissives to be extremely controlling of their environments and the people in them as a standard practice across their lives. Sometimes this can be a reaction to people around them who are not in control of themselves, people who bring with them only chaos and instability. The response by a submissive can be a deeply rooted drive to fill that void by feeling compelled to bring some level of order and control to their lives. They themselves become controlling.
But constantly striving to be in charge and in control is exhausting over a protracted period and can leave a person feeling weary and unfulfilled. Believing you have to be in command at all times leaves no room for surrender, being cared for, pampered, the center of attention, or just able to let go. This is where D/s can be so deeply appealing. It is the one place where a submissive can shed the mantle and burdens of control and just let go for a time. By making their Dominant the center of their attention and focus, the submissive in turn becomes the center of attention for a change. They feel valued, appreciated, needed. Without wanting or meaning to sound sexist, my personal experience is that for some submissive women D/s is the one place they feel truly able to fulfill their most feminine needs and desires.
Service often plays a significant role in making this shift from control of every day life to complete submission. For a time, a submissive is no longer giving orders to everyone around them but instead is falling into their Dominant, surrendering themselves to a higher power of sorts, letting go of self and the control of others and their circumstances. They are simply “being.” Being themselves. Being feminine. Being beauty and sex. Being devotion. Being obedient. Being of service. Being pleasing. Being the epitome of love. Just being.
For a time the noise goes away, the committee between the ears quiets down, the chaos stops. For a little while all of the energy that goes into corralling the chaotic wild herd around them becomes transformed and singularly focussed on their Dominant, who is themselves anything but chaotic. Their Dominant displays control and mastery in their own life and has no need to be controlled or mastered by the submissive leaving room only for service and devotion.
The interrelationship between Dominant and submissive is complex and rarely the same from one couple to another. The motivations are often different and the manifestations of D/s highly variable. But regardless of the reasons or how they are played out, there are some common threads in these relationships and service is one of them. A submissive need not be a “service oriented submissive” (implying domestic service) to have a high degree of desire to serve. Service takes on many forms and does not have to involve doing dishes and cleaning bathrooms. It also does not have to be explicitly sexualized either, though it often is. Service can be as simple as being attentive, caring, and obedient to a Dominant. It can be signs of affection such as a head on the lap, stroking of fingers, washing a back in the shower, or a shoulder massage. Or it may not involve physical contact at all. A daily picture or note, email or video, or simply being present and attentive. If it pleases a Dominant it is service and can be deeply rewarding to the submissive’s innate drive to be pleasing.
One of the many paradoxes of D/s is the fact that what seems to the outside world like actions and deeds stemming from coercion or even oppression by a Dominant are actually a manifestation of a submissive’s own deeply rooted desire to serve. Service provided by a submissive in a healthy D/s relationship is not demanded but rather enabled by a Dominant. It is not taken from a submissive but rather is given freely and eagerly. None of this makes sense to the outside observer or the uninitiated but it is very real. A solid and healthy D/s relationship brings things out of us that we would never consider under any other circumstances, and not only makes us willing but downright eager to do them.
Service is an outward manifestation of the devotion and desire to please and be pleasing experienced by a submissive in a loving and committed D/s relationship. It is a hallmark of submissive behavior that should be nurtured and respected by a Dominant but never abused, taken advantage of, or taken for granted. A significant reward of service for a submissive is knowing that they are pleasing their Dominant and that their efforts are appreciated on a very deep visceral and emotional level and are treated with the respect and value they deserve. A Dominant’s genuine appreciation breeds an ever greater desire to serve and be of service, please and be pleasing. It is a Dominant’s responsibility to foster an environment that both enables and encourages the fulfillment of this need to serve on the part of a submissive. It is the very essence of Dominance.
The relationship between Dominant and submissive truly changes everything about us in the most remarkable and unpredictable ways. We often find ourselves surprised by what we suddenly desire and will do for one another. No one else draws this out of us like our D/s partner.
Be passionate, be appreciative, be receptive, praise openly and honestly, and a submissive will be of service to their Dominant in ways neither ever imagined possible.
Caption © For The Love of a Submissive, 2013
Image Credit Unknown